From Secret Boyfriends to Fake Affairs: A Sex Therapy Take on Netflix’s Big Mistakes
If you spent your weekend glued to the couch binging Dan Levy’s hilarious and chaotic new Netflix comedy, Big Mistakes, you are definitely not alone. Between the wild plot twists and the snappy dialogue, the show is an absolute goldmine of relationship drama.
As a somatic therapist specializing in sex, intimacy, and desire, I couldn’t help but look at Morgan and Nicky and think: “Oh, honey, we’ve all been there.” They aren’t bad people; they are just deeply, beautifully messy humans trying to navigate love, secrets, and a whole lot of coping mechanisms.
Grab a glass of wine, get comfortable, and let’s dive into the fun, relatable, and totally un-filtered therapist breakdown of our favorite new binge-watch.
Morgan & Max: The Art of the Absolute Deflection
Let’s start with Morgan. If you want to see a textbook example of signs of avoidant attachment in relationships, just watch her whenever Max tries to get physically affectionate. She deflects, she creates distance, and her sexual desire is completely context-dependent. If the vibe isn’t flawless, the shutters go down.
But let’s be fair to Morgan. Max takes up a lot of air in the room. On the exact day her grandmother passes away, Max is totally oblivious to her grief, focusing entirely on his own agenda. Because Morgan grew up with a mother who had massive emotional needs, she naturally selected a partner with a loud agenda, too. But she still has her own fierce defiance!
The “Hot Mess” Survival Strategies
When couples lack basic emotional security, the coping mechanisms get wild:
- The Ring Toss: When Max gets nervous and reactive about proposing, he throws the engagement ring at her back and blames her, saying, “You ruin these moments.” (Oof, Max, talk about a panic reaction!)
- The “Slutty Pig” Lie: Morgan handles a history of fertility struggles and a pattern of compulsive lying by dropping the ultimate defense mechanism. When Max suspects an affair, she just leans into it and shouts, “I’m a slutty pig!” Max claims he’s “poured love” into her since they were sixteen, but we have to ask: did that love feel sweet, or did it feel stifling and stuck?
- The Necklace Secret: She can’t even tell him about the missing necklace because the trust simply isn’t there.
Pastor Nicky: Holy Secrets and the “Freeze” Response
Oh, Nicky. Our beloved pastor of Glenview Community Church is carrying a burden heavier than a Sunday sermon: he is hiding his boyfriend.
The moment his boyfriend kisses him, Nicky’s body does something so incredibly relatable for anyone dealing with deep shame. He goes into a total freeze response, standing perfectly still with a plastered-on smile. He is terrified of being cast out by his faith community, so he splits his identity in two.
The Watchful Eye and the Uncomfortable Bed
Nicky is dealing with classic religious sexual shame, beautifully symbolized by him staring back and forth between his boyfriend and a picture of a guardian angel. His mother even worries he has a closer relationship with God than with someone who can actually give him physical touch!
But Nicky has a gorgeous perspective, too: he views God as perfect, and humans as the ones who imperfectly interpret Him. When his boyfriend quips that Nicky’s bed is “the most uncomfortable bed I’ve ever slept on,” it’s the perfect metaphor for how exhausting it is to live a closeted life.
The “What Were They Thinking?!” Therapy Moments
As a therapist, there were a few laugh-out-loud moments where I wanted to jump through the screen and hand out some business cards:
- Moms as Mediators: Max gets the wild idea to have their moms mediate a conversation about sex and cheating. Predictably, the moms are completely horrified. Parents have a right not to know about their adult kids’ sex lives! Intimacy conversations require boundaries and consent, not a family committee.
- Therapist Bias: It looks like they might be seeing Max’s individual therapist for couples work. This is a huge no-no in my therapy world! Because the therapist already has a preexisting relationship with Max, they are naturally at risk of being biased toward his perspective.
- Rushing the Re-Engagement: Getting re-engaged without actually processing the fake affair or the lies? That is a recipe for a future pattern of spectacular, blow-up fights.
| Character | The Chaotic Coping Mechanism | The Sex Therapy Goal |
| Morgan | Avoidant deflecting, smoke screens | Learning to state boundaries cleanly without having to blow the relationship up |
| Nicky | Smiling through the panic, identity splitting | Bringing his faith and his natural sexuality into coherence, support with coming out |
The Breakthrough: Finally Taking Up Space
Ultimately, Morgan spent her life feeling like the “messy, rude” sibling while her youngest sister was the golden star. But she experiences the ultimate breakthrough at the “Out and Proud” event. Seeing Nicky find the courage to be publicly loving to his boyfriend inspires her to want that same alignment.
She finally decides to end things with Max. Not because she’s a “monster,” but because she’s ready to stop lying, stop hiding, and finally take up space as her full, authentic self. And honestly? We love that for her.
Noticing Some “Big Mistakes” in Your Own Love Life?
You don’t need a Netflix camera crew to find yourself running into signs of avoidant attachment in relationships or hiding your true desires. If you’re ready to unpack your own “hot mess” patterns, work through religious shame, or learn how to communicate without throwing rings, somatic sex therapy is here to help. No judgment, just pure support.